i miss you

i miss the times when i came home late and see my dad with a knife getting ready to attack me
i miss the times when my mom suffers and my dad steps her head while shes lying on the floor
i miss the times when my dad pulls my private in order to make me feel pain during the fasting month
i miss it when my dad threatens to kill us all


i miss the times i pushed my dad to the floor and fought with him cos he was gonna stab me
i miss the times when i was called names that aint fit for humans
i miss the time he peed on me while i was still a naked 5 year old
i miss it when he slaps me full force, leaving a handprint


i miss the times he whips me with his belt
i miss getting kicked in the head
i miss shouting vulgarities out my window and getting the neighbours involved
i miss attempting to call the police


i miss getting hit by bamboo poles
i miss getting hit by the flower vase
i miss watching my mom bleed, my sister cry, and him grabbing my throat and make me beg and gasp for air
i miss getting slammed to the floor and bumping my head, leaving me to bleed all alone

i miss the times when all i could do after the beating, was to sms atikah or jan while i was bleeding underneath my clothes, bruised.
all they could say was "it'll be fine, be safe"
no one could understand the situation.

i miss being abused when i was younger
i miss hating my father
i miss the blood, the tears, the hate
still, i love you bapak.


*cries*
im sorry bapak. i stopped praying. im pickin up bad habits. i call it revenge. you never taught me how to love. you told me not to call you bapak, you disowned me 4 times. i didnt let go. if i did, then you would have seen me jumped remember? im tired of having all these thoughts. i duno what's on your mind.

i dun wanna see you.
we get older but these events cant be forgotten so easily. those who dont wanna read, its fine. i used to write all these in my lyric book anyways.


never ever abuse your kids. your kids will never forgive you. they will grow up like me and wonder, how come my friends never had those mistreatment for 18years? and wait. i didnt even do nothing wrong. its you.


the scar is deep. real deep.
im still hurt. 18 years was too long for one to be abused. everyday was a nightmare. i remember wishing that i would sleep and not wake up the next day.


oh ya, i miss being locked out of the house alone and naked...


you were hospitalised twice. i didnt cry. everyone questioned me why and said that i was cruel not to feel sad.
you don't know what hell i've been thru. i had enough and asked my mommeh, why didnt she divorce him? that led to more severe beating in 1996. that was the day he threw the mirror at my face. the pain.
me, my mom and my sister were helpless.
that beast didnt work for at least 12 years, living off my mom
abusing us all. thanks ar.



while kids get toys, i get the thoughts of suicide.