here's the truth

maybe it applies to all but i feel mine could be severe. i was brought up not to trust strangers. but i think mine went deeper than that. i actually trust no one. friends or family. i have the same mentality as my dad. rather hostile towards other humans. my dad has a foul mouth and a whole different mindset of his own. its like as if he feels people are looking at him all the time. in fact, we close our windows while we pray cos he feels the neighbours are looking. we used to close our kitchen windows because there was once a 'kitchen god' neighbour across our unit who loves to 'look out' the window.

relatives? family friends? i can only name one relative unit that we are close to. but even that, my dad has his qualms against them.

honestly, i think its almost a decade since i'd talked to them. caught glimpses of them once before. once.

and none to family friends. my parents don't have friends. we actually live in a world of our own. i did try to break free from this anti social circle my family surrounded me. i tried having close friends. tried. but i still worry each time when with them about what they think about me and exactly what do they want to benefit from me. don't tell me you just wanna chill, hang and spend time with me. cos each time i go out, i'll be assessing exactly what you stand to gain by going out with me. what do you want? i don't know. but i don't care, i see my own benefits and gains.

oh please, even my parents talk shit about my friends. they will be like, "even he is human..." and all the negativity will eventually get soaked in me. and i would not be able to un-see/hear whatever that's been told to me about my friends.

yes, i would love to have contacts with human based on trust, but i feel its just... based on benefits.
maybe i should change my thinking. let's get out of this vicious cycle.

and yes, i was inspired to post this because my mom was talking to me about money. and more of that.
so, "here's the truth"